![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Apr. 6th, 2004 11:57 pm
My parents
Somedays I sit and wonder when ,and if, I'll start to not harbor bad feelings regarding my parents.
Now, these aren't angry ones, just bad ones. Time after time I think about them, and how my life should be. I should want to be closer to them, and not feel like an asshole when I talk to them...but that's not the case. Every time I talk to them I feel like I have to hide half of myself, and put up a dummy to get by. I hate doing that. I hate not being myself around people. I feel like one big lie some days, and maybe its because I never really opened up to my folks. I still don't feel like I can open up to them. I feel like I should be able to talk with them, and be open to them. But I don't. They seem like some sort of will breaking force that is there to make things....unpleasurable. They force what they think is right down my throat, and could give 3 shits about what the effects are.
I do not think they are ethical[1] people at all, but that still doesn't change the fact that they are my family. I cry sometimes thinking that some day they will realize what they do day in and day out to people is not right. I do not know if my parents are really concious of their decisions, or if they know, and just don't care. Both of them had to struggle to get where they are at, and personally...I do not know if I ever will have to struggle in life about anything because of them. I will have to work to make things work out for me. But because of them, I do not have to scrape, and toil. Because of them I do not have to answer basic questions of humanity all alone[2]. I had the oppurtunity to get an education b/c of them, and I took that for what its worth. I do not know if I can ever pay that back fully. Enabling me to understand what humanity is about on a concious, thought-driven plane of logic seems cold sometimes - but somehow better.
People make choices, and understanding those results regardless of the B.S. involved is important. My dad was an endless pragmatist, and my mother a devout zealot. Both were laid back, and selfish in their understanding in many things. They wanted the best for their children, but I do not know if they ever will realize what that truly is. I hope I can treat them well at some point. I hope I can stop feeling bad. I hope I can be myself before they die. I want them to know who I am, but I do not know if they ever will be ready. I keep trying to say who I am, but they always decide that its not what they wanted me to be. Rarely though are children what parents want them to be, and I understood this when I turned 20. People do not want to be their parent's children. People want to be people. Its not until the twighlight years of life do people see themselves as part of something greater than themselves. They finally understand they are part of a legacy that has been on-going for thosands of years. Parents sometimes realize it when they have kids, and sometimes not.
I do not know if my parents understand what they have done. What it means to bring life into this world, and to cherish it dearly. I hope that maybe they understand that each person they raised is both an end, and a beginning for their lives. Some day I'll tell them why I am the way I am, and maybe some day I'll feel like I can be with them. I just hope its not when they are dying.
I do love them, I just ...fuck, I just wish they could set aside their pettiness[3] for me. Just once.
[1]: In the strictest meaning, ethics means to follow a code devised either by oneself, or by a group. They unfortunatley do not follow any code, or ruleset. They sway like barley in the afternoon wind, and wait to be harvested. Unfortunatley they do not realize its the man that will make a meal of them, and no one else.
[2]: Not that they answered my questions on mankind at all. They just gave me the utensils I needed to ask someone else, or put me in enviornments where I could find the answers with someone's random help.
[3]: Money.
Now, these aren't angry ones, just bad ones. Time after time I think about them, and how my life should be. I should want to be closer to them, and not feel like an asshole when I talk to them...but that's not the case. Every time I talk to them I feel like I have to hide half of myself, and put up a dummy to get by. I hate doing that. I hate not being myself around people. I feel like one big lie some days, and maybe its because I never really opened up to my folks. I still don't feel like I can open up to them. I feel like I should be able to talk with them, and be open to them. But I don't. They seem like some sort of will breaking force that is there to make things....unpleasurable. They force what they think is right down my throat, and could give 3 shits about what the effects are.
I do not think they are ethical[1] people at all, but that still doesn't change the fact that they are my family. I cry sometimes thinking that some day they will realize what they do day in and day out to people is not right. I do not know if my parents are really concious of their decisions, or if they know, and just don't care. Both of them had to struggle to get where they are at, and personally...I do not know if I ever will have to struggle in life about anything because of them. I will have to work to make things work out for me. But because of them, I do not have to scrape, and toil. Because of them I do not have to answer basic questions of humanity all alone[2]. I had the oppurtunity to get an education b/c of them, and I took that for what its worth. I do not know if I can ever pay that back fully. Enabling me to understand what humanity is about on a concious, thought-driven plane of logic seems cold sometimes - but somehow better.
People make choices, and understanding those results regardless of the B.S. involved is important. My dad was an endless pragmatist, and my mother a devout zealot. Both were laid back, and selfish in their understanding in many things. They wanted the best for their children, but I do not know if they ever will realize what that truly is. I hope I can treat them well at some point. I hope I can stop feeling bad. I hope I can be myself before they die. I want them to know who I am, but I do not know if they ever will be ready. I keep trying to say who I am, but they always decide that its not what they wanted me to be. Rarely though are children what parents want them to be, and I understood this when I turned 20. People do not want to be their parent's children. People want to be people. Its not until the twighlight years of life do people see themselves as part of something greater than themselves. They finally understand they are part of a legacy that has been on-going for thosands of years. Parents sometimes realize it when they have kids, and sometimes not.
I do not know if my parents understand what they have done. What it means to bring life into this world, and to cherish it dearly. I hope that maybe they understand that each person they raised is both an end, and a beginning for their lives. Some day I'll tell them why I am the way I am, and maybe some day I'll feel like I can be with them. I just hope its not when they are dying.
I do love them, I just ...fuck, I just wish they could set aside their pettiness[3] for me. Just once.
[1]: In the strictest meaning, ethics means to follow a code devised either by oneself, or by a group. They unfortunatley do not follow any code, or ruleset. They sway like barley in the afternoon wind, and wait to be harvested. Unfortunatley they do not realize its the man that will make a meal of them, and no one else.
[2]: Not that they answered my questions on mankind at all. They just gave me the utensils I needed to ask someone else, or put me in enviornments where I could find the answers with someone's random help.
[3]: Money.
Tags: