Right choices.

Some days I wonder how lucky I am, and when that luck will run out. Time after stinking time I find places that are going to seem well for me, and end up do being well.

Whether or not I am making the right choice in leaving Michelle is something I have not 100% decided upon. I know that I had to, but whether it was right...I don't know. She doesn't know whether she wanted to let me go either. It was mutual, I just happened to bring it up when we did fall apart. We both agree that it felt right, but we both wonder now why so much fucking pain must come in the wake of a choice like this.

I feel like shit, really I do. I feel like I just stayed on the bench, and the bus to 'the good lands' just left. I question my choice, but I still feel like I should have made it. I will not feel like I have earned my life's worth by staying with Michelle. Supporting her was my job, and being a good man to her was too. I failed in that regard. I didn't cheat, or beat, or disparage, or for that matter leech. I just did nothing. Absolutley nothing. I worked around the house here and there. I talked with her. But I was missing the most vital part of a relationship: communication. I didn't really know that until after I broke up with her. The way I speak with her, and the way I convey things are...bad! When she'd ask a question that hurt, I just ignored her, and walked out. I'd do other things like get upset, and then lash out in passive aggressive ways. She'd ask me to do something she couldn't and ...I'd feel disturbed, and used when she would. That's not right! I know for sure I need to see a shrink about that. I violate my own principles by this logic. I feel I should help women, and yet, when a woman gets closest to me - I rage when they ask of me. They have every right to as well. They love me, they need me, and feel like they should depend on me. But for some odd reason it urks me. Perhaps it's because men have a social stigma in relying on women, or perhaps it's a facet of my mind. All I have to say is that when it comes down to long term relationships it's often me that feels like the weak one.

I figured my communication problem out when reflecting last night upon some of the recent conversations we had that drove me to not want to be with her. She basically stated a list of things I should do, and do them quickly. I analyzed how I felt after such an event happend. I felt helpless, weak, and most of all afraid that I could not do them. I felt like someone was chiding me for not picking up my toys. I hated it. That feeling drove me away. But, what was worse was my reaction. It shouldn't have been a tied tounge, or anger, or even debate. It should have been warmth, or even trusting. But I didn't see it that way, and it didn't feel that way. Which means, I don't operate how she wants me to..or I was incapable of operation by myself. Perhaps it's because I feel I need to do my own list of things, or perhaps I don't like being told to do things. I don't know for sure, that's why I have resolved to see a shrink.

I found a place yesterday...to live. It's really nice, for $500.00 a month. It's in Lewisville TX and is near all the arteries for travel. Ironically it's very close to where I used to go for a Cisco Systems course in my high school days. It's odd where you end up...it's almost like where I started. I remember the fall I got together with Michelle. I was in the Cisco course then, and was taking it in stride. I did decently in it, but not well. It's kind of where I am at now. I feel like I am doing decent, but not well.

She cried last night, and didn't sleep right. I slept in the other room, and didn't hear her. She told me this in the morning, and it crushed me. I can't bear thinking of her in pain like that and me ...sleeping soundly. I drove around yesterday and thought perhaps I should not have gotten back together with her in February of 2002. Then I remembered all the good things. Those things still right now make me want to just die on the inside, but perhaps that's why I needed to go. I wouldn't have cried one week ago. I would have been ambivalent.

I got my ass kicked

I came home at 4PM to speak with Michelle about things. She wanted to get back together. I basically told her no. I gave whatever b.s. reason I could throw at her for the time being b/c the truth is that I just did not want to be with her. Maybe ten years from now, or in another lifetime. Yeah.

In response, she started bawling at me, and getting more upset. She got very angry, and furious. She went into our the bedroom closet, and randomly started throwing clothing out of it. After a pile was formed I realized she wanted me out NOW not yesterday. That bit really caused me some pain. So I tried to console her and hug her. The first time she screamed, and started swatting at me. The second time, she tried throwing weak jabs. The third time she right crossed my ass, and beat the living tar outta me. It didn't really hurt...cept the kick to the groin. Of course that's what I get for trying to console a woman who thinks I am an idiot.

1) She thinks I'm listening to everyone around me. 2) She thinks I'm throwing away six years of greatness. 3) She thinks that I needed to grow up, and that she was wrong for making a ultimatum that I could not accomplish.

Well, in essence, I stated it was B.S. and that she should love me for who I am, and that's it. I can only change me. She stated I might be ADHD, and she might be right. I've tested positive on some online test a while back - not that I put much stock in it. She states that I need psychological help. I agree - after a breakup like this it's apparent that my mind has been damaged. I might need that.

Overall, she had me thinking long and hard on whether I made the right call. I was put out after we had this conversation for the most part. She lambasted me verbally over the phone, and stated for me never to come back. She wanted my gear out as soon as possible, and my belongings to be picked up only when she was not around.

To me, this states that 1) she was not all that she said she could be, 2) that she does not want me in anyway, and that she was only scared to be alone, 3) she will do like all weak humans do and bask in anger as a solvent to her problems. She just can't fathom that she is the reason for the realationship ending.

It's not that I'm looking for a chick that does anal, or bimbo to cook and clean, or a girl that digs anime. I am only looking for one thing: happiness. I've learned that it does not come from a person, or a thing, or anything else. It comes from yourself. Only you can make you happy. Myself was not happy with her, so I cannot be with her. I'll always love her. I still do, and am still very much in love with her in a lot of ways. But like a drug that is too tempting, and too ...addictive...I needed to quit. So I did.

That pain is what I'm living with now, and I will pray for her eternal happiness. I will pray to whatever god(s) are out there to make her life in the way she wants it. I will pray that the anger in her subsides, and that one day ...perhaps a lifetime away...I can look, smile, and be her friend again.