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Dec. 2nd, 2005 09:17 pm
School, Zen...
Procrastination = the sister to failure. Man, is that ever true.
I've got so much shit coming at me in the next week, I can't even see straight. Literally. A good ol' fashion bottle of wine tends to do that. Currently, I'm in the midst of reading Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy for an eight page research paper. Then, I've got to write a reprisal to the Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare. After that I have a Japanese test to do on Monday, and then a Japanese skit to perform on Wednesday. So, I guess I'll take my drunk self to reading soon. I hate finals with a passion.
I told myself I would not get depressed this month at all. Boy, was I putting myself up to a challenge. It's December! The first X-mas solo in six fucking years. Crazy I find myself thinking of ways to avoid people. Lately, besides JC, I've been dodging almost all of my friends. Not calling at all. Unless some super special event happens - this is a bad thing. I have no clue why I do it either. I've just become a fucking hermit. I've also dealt with some very interesting problems here at my home. A rat was in my wall the other day...and then it wasn't. I saw a spider run outside after a cat. That was strange. The spider was very small, yet the cat was particularly scared.
So, I've decided to take up Zazen meditation, and perhaps some of the precepts of Zen Buddhism. I wanted to find a way out of compulsions to do dumb things, and buying retarded items. One of the main principles is freedom from desire. That got me going. But, I've heard it must be freedom from all desire. This puzzles me, but I have heard it is supposed to do that. Which is good. What is desire? That has forced me to make an assessment of myself. I do enjoy relishing in a great many things, and over-indulgence is bad. So, I've got to literally stop doing it period. So, I guess this should be my one, and only glass of wine. I'll probably meditate after this. The beginner exercises are interesting thus far. I start by counting breaths, and hopefully in some months time I'll be doing Koans. Perhaps longer...maybe after years, I am not sure. There is no time frame on when you are supposed to be able to reach certain points in Zen Buddhism. But, without an instructor, this is the best I can hope for. Overall I do need some form of balance. The Rinzai school of Zen Buddhism seems to have the most appeal to me thus far. It focuses on enlightenment through Koan shock, or through martial arts. Since I'll be joining the ninjutsu academy in the spring it might prove fruitful to follow this path moreso than the Soto path. I'll have to do deep research if I do more of this. This practice is also supposed to help with archery. So, in essence, everything I want to be good at can be tied to this form of Buddhism. Freedom from desire. Archery. Ninjutsu. Balance. I've been missing a lot then...we'll see though. I have to go in with an open heart, and expect to be better at the end.
I've got so much shit coming at me in the next week, I can't even see straight. Literally. A good ol' fashion bottle of wine tends to do that. Currently, I'm in the midst of reading Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy for an eight page research paper. Then, I've got to write a reprisal to the Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare. After that I have a Japanese test to do on Monday, and then a Japanese skit to perform on Wednesday. So, I guess I'll take my drunk self to reading soon. I hate finals with a passion.
I told myself I would not get depressed this month at all. Boy, was I putting myself up to a challenge. It's December! The first X-mas solo in six fucking years. Crazy I find myself thinking of ways to avoid people. Lately, besides JC, I've been dodging almost all of my friends. Not calling at all. Unless some super special event happens - this is a bad thing. I have no clue why I do it either. I've just become a fucking hermit. I've also dealt with some very interesting problems here at my home. A rat was in my wall the other day...and then it wasn't. I saw a spider run outside after a cat. That was strange. The spider was very small, yet the cat was particularly scared.
So, I've decided to take up Zazen meditation, and perhaps some of the precepts of Zen Buddhism. I wanted to find a way out of compulsions to do dumb things, and buying retarded items. One of the main principles is freedom from desire. That got me going. But, I've heard it must be freedom from all desire. This puzzles me, but I have heard it is supposed to do that. Which is good. What is desire? That has forced me to make an assessment of myself. I do enjoy relishing in a great many things, and over-indulgence is bad. So, I've got to literally stop doing it period. So, I guess this should be my one, and only glass of wine. I'll probably meditate after this. The beginner exercises are interesting thus far. I start by counting breaths, and hopefully in some months time I'll be doing Koans. Perhaps longer...maybe after years, I am not sure. There is no time frame on when you are supposed to be able to reach certain points in Zen Buddhism. But, without an instructor, this is the best I can hope for. Overall I do need some form of balance. The Rinzai school of Zen Buddhism seems to have the most appeal to me thus far. It focuses on enlightenment through Koan shock, or through martial arts. Since I'll be joining the ninjutsu academy in the spring it might prove fruitful to follow this path moreso than the Soto path. I'll have to do deep research if I do more of this. This practice is also supposed to help with archery. So, in essence, everything I want to be good at can be tied to this form of Buddhism. Freedom from desire. Archery. Ninjutsu. Balance. I've been missing a lot then...we'll see though. I have to go in with an open heart, and expect to be better at the end.
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