God Damn I loves me some sushi

    This recent roll of fortunate events has allowed me to get sushi tonight. Honestly, I love sushi. What is better about the sushi I enjoy though is the fact that good company often times makes for not only choice discussion, but ample entertainment. So that was today for me really. It was as I thought it would be. I almost picked out my destiny amongst a set pattern of choices. I knew innately before sleeping that the day would be long, tiresome, and most of all fraught with difficulty. Today I had to bust six immigrants, and notify our teams that ...that they were not legal really, or had supplied us with bogus SSN numbers.
    I have a unique experience in this situation as I am hispanic. Being hispanic means I must hunt my own kind and perhaps send them down a path to deportation. This is an unruly, and most morally horrific thing for me. I have a unique view on it. I grew up around people that were both nice, calm, and most of all peace loving. Most illegal immigrants I've met just want a shot at having a normal American life. They don't want a fancy car, or a big house, or to have millions of dollars. They were more than content with mediocrity, and staying above the poverty line.
    So on days where I need to send these people back...who are simply aiming for mediocrity...it kind of angers me, and makes me want to lash out at my fellow Americans desperately. The macroeconomic implications of such things most people do not understand...why it is we have things the way we have them here...and why so many seek it. It is hard to view inside their perspective because they haven't had to chase it down and hunt it like many non-Americans. Then again, I can't say that leading an American life is good, for I know I waste far more than is usual - at the same stretch, I also give far more than is usual too though. A double-edged sword if there were one.
    Today I had an interesting interaction, or series of interactions though as well. First I'll start with the discussion I had with an Indian entrepreneur who owned two fish eateries in Dallas. Fish Express, and the Dallas Fish Market were his two locales of choice. Honestly, they were both very splendid restaurants, but he stated that my company was doing poorly. He owned stock and Brinker and was forced to dump it. I acknowledged this as a fact of the economic state of affairs in the nation. Our country is doing poorly, but all that discussion is not what I took from the equation. Our discussion dwelt on the fact that other countries were doing better fiscally than the United States. That being said I could not disagree - every nation but us is doing nicely on the whole with regards to finances. Some are hurting due to our crunch, but the cash - the flow of money - is not slowing in an incredible amount. He highlighted this - and it was this I responded to sharply, and aptly.
    "This is the sad but true thing man. We're going to expand into other countries because we've finally exhausted the one thing this country survives on: consumers."
    This is the ULTIMATE truth I gained from our conversation. That we're perhaps entering a post-consumerist era. I thought to myself that my generation is perhaps the most purchase conscious group of people that this nation has turned out. Our brand loyalty is low, our job stability even lower, and our attitudes are swayed with a slight touch of marketing. This means that we're chaotic as far as generations go, and predictably speaking, this means corporations hate us! Therefore they are going to go overseas where masses of people who haven't had our lifestyle for a decade or more are not aware of the concept of choice, shitty products, and cut-throat capitalism. The corporations will start roaming places where human life hasn't been as corrupted as us - only to tap them, and take them, and make them more corrupt than us perhaps.
    The Indian gentleman seemed almost proud that his nation was about to be wrapt in a plastic package, fucked, raped, shitted on, snorted, pulled at, marketed, told to dance, told to smoke, told to eat, told to breed, and more than that - told that they will BUY and BUY A LOT. His smile on his face seemed to me the sign of something our nation perhaps is growing beyond...we grew to the realization a long, long time ago I think...that our society is not good as it seems. We're in fact hurting ourselves, and yet, there are many like him in our system still - that think each day that consuming tons of product is "growth" and "American life."
    Tonight I gave away that sushi I had. Tonight, I came home and saw the beautiful red headed girl and her handsome young mate above my apartment, and I spoke to them. I saw that they were going out. I handed them a plate full of sushi and they were happy. I believe that they were more happy with that than anything. Seeing a simple smile on their face though was worth me giving away that sushi. It was fresh, expensive sushi, and their eyes lit up quite a bit when I placed it before them. I'm sure they will feast upon it and be happy. And see, I think that is what is missing now though. I think that people in our society have forgotten that it is far greater to give what you do not need, and give plenty rather than to take, keep, and hide whatever you possess. They've no recollection of it, my people, almost...some...some do, but most do not.
   

Grasping

    Another item of import today that I took upon myself, while I'm thinking about it is the facet of sleeping. A lot of people ask me what I do when I dream, and how I manipulate my dreams into an alterable form of reality. I tell them it is simple, and the effects are quite vivid. It took some effort at first to realize that I was dreaming, and what the case is - at least for me - when a dream ends...I must recollect that it is a dream and I do not have control of reality.
    I wake from lucid dreams angered at this. I feel like I've been stripped of a great deal of what I am by not being able to manifest that what I seek before me with a wave of my hand. Its almost infuriating. Almost. Then I realize I'm bound by these laws that reality holds, or at least the reality I'm in now - and get used to that fact again. Today I have been to a precipice I've been before. Today three times I was upon this precipice and at each of the three times I was king only for a moment when I came to the realization.
    Its hard to describe, but in those moments of twilight before rest slips over me, before I truly begin to fall asleep I see something. Its an answer that I was looking for - a door, a key, whatever you want to envision this thing as. For me, that key is the key that unlocks everything. I can't grasp it. I come so close to grasping it, and shock myself back into wakefulness and say "FOOL GRASP IT NOW BEFORE IT GOES WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE!" and...and it goes. It goes back then...it slips away. Whatever secret it is ...whatever glory that makes all that reasonably believable is right beyond sleep and I can't get it.
    The first time it happened to me today was upon waking up, then again at that same point. I woke, then rested again to get back at that same wakeful realization. At both moments I summoned it. I got it, grabbed it just for a moment. In those few moments I held on to it. I was there, I was whatever I was supposed to be in my most emphatic form.
   
    I knew without a doubt that every last damn article of existence around me, if only for a moment, was nothing. Just a bit of spit on the ground.

    It  sounds like insanity, I know. I know it sounds like "Dan you've lost your marbles," but for me to grasp at it so clearly, and with so much focus I cannot state this is untrue. I know what I felt. I felt existence being a bit of nothing, if only for a second. Now, existence is loosely defined here, but for me it is totally defined. For me existence is defined as just another day. I eat, sleep, drink, etc, etc. as any other human. My reality is defined by my tangible experience. But three times today, twice while in bed, and once while falling asleep at the wheel almost - for a moment - I knew something else was there. Something that I hadn't seen before.
    I wanted it so bad and felt like I already had known it was there. That's the strange thing. It wasn't like a realization - but more like remembering who you were. Again I screamed almost, I shouted in the car - I know that. In the morning I just let out a little angry vocalization. It was anger because I could not bring what it was over to this side, whatever that key was. I wanted to unlock whatever gate was on the other side of my head and make it happen. Make what I could do each night in my own small mind a reality.
    Maybe it is not my place to try that out though, and maybe I can't really control my dreams as well as I think I can.
    Right now dream harvesting is an excellent way for me to get away though. I roam my own mind, and I pull apart what I want from it during a dream. I gather whatever pleasures I need, and I regenerate any psychological harm with whatever mental wanderlust I can think of. I hate doing it these nights. These years it has taken to perfect this method of mental acuity... it seems like a waste if I can't make it happen on this side and make it real.
    Some state that this form of thinking might make me suicidal, and indeed on some level it has. I wonder what is beyond the final gate of life and if it is indeed the reality I want. Sleep and death are similar after all, but what is on that other side? Can I have it here? Just for a day?